hydrateddesertflower

New Terms: Dream-Travel v Dream-Building

2026-05-29T17:01:33Z

I wrote a whole post and it auto-saved to a blank page. =( so the resulting entry may not be as elequent or fully formed because I am recreating from a fallable memory.

I want to differentiate what I mean when I say Dream. But before I do I want to say english, while not my first language, is now my primary language, and it is so limiting in not only the lack of specificity, but in the context of world-building. I won't get into it fully here, if you want to read about the topic and speak more on it together dear reader, feel f How Language Shapes Our Perception of Time, Space, and Reality and The Linguistic Relativity Hypothesis, then let's chat! I'll say this for context and then move on to my new terms. As a multi-cultural, multi-lingual person, I can see the ways in which english limits our ability to see the worlds that exist in communal interdependencies that humans as stewards of each other and nature, as well as the metaphysical perceptions of realities.

My terms: Dream-Building (DB) refers to the dreaming we do as world-builders in this corporal-conscious world. Dream-Traveling (DT) is when I am asleep in the corporal realms and my consciousness travels to other worlds, other dimensions and other timelines. Many times I am lucid for this and my lucidity is like a dial, sometimes I am fully lucid, and sometimes I am less lucid but enough to be aware I am dreaming and remember when I awake. And within that spectrum their is a third dimension of choice, so more like a spherical spectrum; weather or not I am lucid, I can still choose to change the reality of the circumstances or move about the spaces, or I can just be along for the ride, watching things play out as I observe. For me describing my dreams would take me novel length entries that I don't have the desire or patience to document. But I share the ones that stand out. Some are extraordinarily fascinating to me, but most seem boring or of little importance to others when I have shared in the past. So this term is what I'll use in my posts for those who care to read about them. I don't share them all. Some feel like sharing them would bring the eyes of those who wish to harm or harness my gifts for ill gains. But if this is of interest to you and you want to verbally talk about let me know.

As for Dream-Building DB, I / we do this collectively to create our realities here daily. For many that statement alone feels invalidating or even like gaslighting their experiences. This is in no way to negate or dismiss the very real systemic oppression that exists, but that too was once dreamed up in the minds of sadistic men hell bent on violence and extraction. We get to, and MUST dream of the world we want to live in and build towards it every day. We collectively all agree to the rules of the game and feel trapped by circumstance in their game, their game where we must struggle to survive. When our ancestors had been living in right relationship with the earth as the stewards of each other.

My desire is to improve my storytelling skills to help bring people to the ancestral knowing's of who were were and how we cared for each other pre-colonization. My goal is to bring hope by showing those who can't see the path that it is there. Walking this bridge is lonely and I keep trying to find ways to show others that I am not standing on thin air. The evidence of the work of those whom fought and died to help us build the little freedoms we have now are still here. They have built it together and we must continue to build it for ourselves and the future generations. We build in collaboration with our ancestors together and we can continue to build the bridge to the world we want to live in now. Let's not just struggle to survive in the world dreamt up in the imaginations of sadistic psychopaths. Let's every day find a way to rebuild the collectively liberated world we know was taken from us.

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Journal Entry Turned Post - Justice-Centered Work

2026-05-29T15:57:16Z

Prompt 1: What does justice-centered professional success look like to you personally? It looks like thriving not surviving. It looks like being part of a community that is anticapitalist and all my needs are met so I can keep doing this work sustainably without burn out. Success is recognition for my work, appreciation for my insights, collaborations that result in improved outcomes for the community. Progress on our goals. Deeper relationships with the people who help make it happen. Until we are free from the facisim we are all part of the struggle. I want to not be in this and only experience struggle and suffering. I am not interested in self-flagellation or whatever the fuck people think is needed to be a freedom fighter. I want to thrive. I want to be fed and nurtured and cared for. I want to do collective actions, bring hope and inspiration, have wonderful discussions and beautiful experiences. I want to enjoy live and see the magic and whimsy in it everyday. I want to spend time with my lovers, my family, my friends. I want to see others success, others not struggle, I want to see others thrive. I want to help them get there too if I can. I want to make the lives of the people around me easier and have them take care of me for it. because it takes a village to raise a child and a village to keep them alive when they grow up. The goal is not self sufficiency, it is communal sufficiency. We are not going to get there by continuing to reproduce the systems of supremacy culture. We are not going to get there by talking about it and still clocking into our wage-theft jobs everyday. We find ways to replace the systems with our own...but people wont build them until they are broken. Until food stamps were threatened, until they are homeless too, until thousands can't get work so the capitalist class can lower wages even further so the desperate will keep working...which is almost everyone right now. Here in the imperial core we are at a worse poverty that both the Great Depression and the French Revolution and we are still clocking into work. They laid off 300K black women to try to erase DEIA and claim only 4% unemployment rate. They shut down the CDC wastewater tracking of COVID while we are still in an ongoing Pandemic during MECFS awareness month, they are taring down placards the mention slavery or any Black or Native History across the country at schools, memorials, national parks. There are 500 and growing people in hunger strikes at the concentrations camps run by the Imperial Concentration Enforcement thugs that were bribed off the street to enact violence on anyone they want, senators, protestors, the press. They are proposing and passing anti-trans laws as fast as they can prompt them wasting gallons of water using Generative LLMs while in a water shortage crisis. They build datacenters and concentration camps as fast as they can while sending millions of our tax dollars to IsNOTreal to continue the ongoing genocide here while pushing for the ongoing genocide here. They enjoy the benefits of public office while doing insider trading their way into enriching themselves while making sure the next generations can't read or be taught critical thinking skills or media literacy. They put violent officers of the state in schools to harass and harm children in schools. They cut healthcare benefits and poison our food and we still keep clocking into to work two, three, jobs with three side hassles and then wonder what are we doing wrong to be so tired, so isolated, so alone in this struggle. We gave up on justice and are trying to not drown, panicky reaching for air. In survival mode your brain's "thinking" or "logic" centers are not on. You are moving on instinct, you are moving in adrenaline and hoping that whatever your body decides will bring you to safety. But when you have been raised your whole life in that state, normal is constant drowning and we have been conditioned by supremacy culture to be adverse to discomfort, and life is so hard already, why would I want to make it even more uncomfortable by doing something that is against the norm. Justice centered work looks like collaborating with people who understand this reality and are doing and building and dreaming to show others the bridge to the liberated future.

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How long will "our own" disregard us?

2026-05-26T20:58:44Z

Until it is them. That is why I chose the phrase "Don't wait to care" to add to the Alice Wong community quilt project. But as our own collaborators continue to disregard well document mitigations for airborne diseases and continue to disregard and abandon us, I am left to wonder who will be left when they kill us then then die soon after themselves, feeling as sorry as they can be when it is too late? I am already playing it risky by going into unmasked spaces with the masked "encouraged" spaces, as if it isn't a slap in the face to all those who are excluded by such bullshit responses, but to then be invited and subsequently disinvited for asking for them to care about not killing me is it's own kind of sting.

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Melee by a cat kind of morning

2026-05-24T16:20:22Z

I don't tell people this often because it scares them, but that doesn't make it any less true. I am instant karma. If you ask tarot about me you will most certainly get a tower card. People project their assumptions, pain, and traumas onto me when I am just standing here being me. This makes for a lonely life. I am currently in one such conflict with my collaborator/employer/landlord - why do I keep finding myself in this situation....I know, capitalism - so things are already stressful.

I got to wake up to them banging around at 6am to grab crates for the stray cats we feed outside. Two of them have infections and we are grabbing them to get treatment. I wanted to grab them without a fight but I was sleepy and not prepared to wrangle them like I would if I had thought about it for five seconds. So now I am covered in cuts from an infected cat and I am REALLY hoping I did a good job cleaning them so I don't get infections. One is on my nipple and it HURTS. I didn't realize I was more badly hurt than I realized but I saw them as I was applying all the bandages I own onto my cuts. He also peed all over me and across the house but she helped me clean up so that was nice. I showered and then put my clothes in the wash but IDK what I missed because I am still smelling pee...but you know how cat pee is, it could be gone but the smell lingers for a while! So I opened all the windows and I love how a home feels when all the windows are open. I want to live somewhere where I can do this everyday/most days because it is so nice and chilly outside but not so cold that I freezing in my home.

Which then brings me back to 'what do I want' when it comes to a home. Will I be able to find that there, should I look here? IDK what makes sense anymore. So what do I DO know what I want?

lots of windows (for the airflow I mentioned)
lots of sun in the mornings to my bedroom and living room
a way to be privately in nature
a tub that isn't a standard tub in most homes
a Garage
space for a hot tub/ a temporary pool in the summers
a beautiful view
a porch and a deck or balcony
easy access to food
space to host events or community gatherings (therefore kind-of centralized location)

IDK if I will find this or how to find what I want and afford the payments. Honestly, I am just afraid of losing my home again after being homeless so many times in my life. And now with being here with the looming threat of losing it is too much for my nervous system. I don't like being a the mercy of the whims of uncooperative and traumatized people.

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An object in my room poem exercise

2026-05-20T02:31:44Z

Dinosaurs die, become part of the earth, like many things buried under layers of organic matter, magma, transpiration, and millennia of tectonic pressure to then be extracted manipulated polluted and concocted into goo, extruded, poured, poked with more of my cousins from the earth to become conductive, shiny, and give me an electromagnetic voice, but it adds to my vibration. We together are still part of the earth, made of the earth, return to the earth, but at what cost to the earth. [keyfob on my Keychain]

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Covid Realist dating profile

2026-04-27T03:03:40Z

My partner shared a covid safer group to join but the deadline is today. So I scrambled to fill out the form.

This got me thinking a lot about what I’m looking for because I feel like I have lots of little pieces of ideas and standards and desires, but I don’t think I’ve ever written them down quite like this. Or maybe it just was never asked of me in such a way that got me to distill it into these words. And also just as likely, I have changed and I’m an ever evolving being.

The punctuation is odd because I had a character limit so I was trying to get all of the content in as a few words as possible. I welcome feedback as far as the list. I wonder am I centering myself too much when detailing another person that I want to date and not their traits as an individual but in is so much as how these traits would serve me? These kinds of questions make me think deeply about how we relate to each other and how we portray that out to others, versus what we actually want and what we actually look for. I want to be more intentional and thoughtful about these so I welcome pointing out any blind spots, especially from those who know me. Or did I forget something that you would want to know from reading a dating profile?

Below are some of my responses:

Bio:

Native South Am cis-queer woman. Scientist.Artist.Disability Justice Advocate. Event Producer. Consultant. Community builder. Spiritual. ReIndigenizing. Deeply feeling. Pleasure Activist. Intuitive. I trust my bodymind. Recovering CPTSD. Foodie. Social Justice Rainbow Warrior. Nomadic/Traveler. Love to swim & have fun. Hope to get back to dancing & hiking soon. Want to read more. Not interested in movies, TV, video games or fandoms in general. I may watch highly recommended or uniquely interesting media. Writing my first book. Introspective. Love growing. Enjoy social time with friends. Connecting with people. Physical touch. Talk & think fast & move slow. Desires to be cared for, held, & supported by my tribe. My medicine is relational healing, teaching by doing & generosity. I am a fountain of perpetual hope. Lover of life.

What you are looking for in a partner?

Politically-Queer. Decolonizing.community-oriented. service-top.womanist.healing.self-regulating. not conflict-avoidant. Prefer pan/bi. ENM.enjoys sex, sensuality & pleasure. communicates clearly & directly. no-assumptions. Loves to plan dates & adventures, romantic, learns what I like & loves to give freely. Stable warm kind funny gregarious spiritual. loves women humanity earth life. Balances reciprocity well. Good-hygiene.caring.foodie.Driven. Fun.Good at resting.Working to build collectively liberated future now. Loves to grow.

Masking & exposures:

I travel so I have slightly elevated risk. I ALWAYS mask in public & outdoors spaces when crowded. I test before meeting nee people & review their risk before sharing air. HEPAs in my house car and when I travel on planes. Which isn’t too often. No concerts or crowds unless they are mask required events. Rare but will eat at restaurant outside if it is not crowded & mask when server walks up.

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Processing Burnout

2026-03-05T18:58:58Z

I am getting pretty burned out about trying to hold a space for people who aren't engaging in the space. So I might just need to step back from hosting events and focus on the ongoing initiatives and let everything else fall to the wayside. I am not getting the support from the community we once were and I think people are in survival mode and don't have spoons for interdependence, which is ultimately how we all die alone and abandoned. So if what I need is engagement for me to feel like my work is sustainable, then I need to find the people who want to be engaged in the work with me. I run at such a high speed that I burn out the people around me and now I see it happening again with the few people left in my life.

How do I make my work sustainable for me and keep others involved? I guess I need to refocus on what I need to make spaces for myself and let everyone else figure out what they need instead of trying to meet a need that isn't getting engagement. If the programming I am producing doesn't result in people participating then I am just going to stop doing it and move on to figuring out what I need. I hate that it feels like giving up, like it is counter to all that I stand for, but if I am not sustained I can't hold space for others to be able to participate. And there you have it the cycle of the activist burning out because everyone wants what you provide but won't support us in providing it. I thought I was writing about the story of this moment, but instead it sounds like a rant and a vent about the lack of support I have...which is exactly the thing everyone is suffering from and why they aren't engaged.

The thing is I am not hopeless. I feel stuck right now but this is centuries of colonization and indoctrination that got us here, and yet we are still here surviving, resisting, and winning. So many people are waking up that the critical mass, the tipping point, is soon to be upon us. What I need to do is build the structures from connection and thriving while the world burns so we can arise with a plan that has been working and the dreams to keep them growing. The dream building we need to do now and the visions of the future we carry with us, not only need to sustain us through the fire, but are necessary to be the germinated seeds for us to sprout and grow anew. Who wants to be burned though? I wonder how we survive the fire? Do we pare down our values, our needs, our output to the primordial essential DNA and then cocooning into a rough shell of who we are to survive the storm? Or do we grow, expand, hyper-produce seeds for the next generation to have something to work with after we pass? This is the impasse I find myself in. The signs of burnout are here. The lack of support. The inability to feed or care for my body. The isolation and the bids for support from friends and family that go unanswered.

I wonder why my life has been one I must walk alone. I don't deserve this, especially for all the support and care I have given and continue to give. I wonder what is the lesson in this. I practice gratitude and force myself to eat but it isn't satisfying or fun anymore. Like I'm going through the motions because I know I must but it brings me no pleasure anymore. Like the joy of life is being sucked out of me from lack of connection to humanity. Nature helps but it takes a lot out of me to even find and get to a place that is safe and clean (due to the human destruction of habitats around us), and my disabilities that keep me from walking very far (so no more hiking possible). Corporations add soy to everything so even easy safe foods are out of my reach now. The city is not designed for accessibility so I can't get to most places. The wealth disparity is depressing. But I work for myself. I create my own reality. So what do I want to create? How do I want to handle this? Where do I want to go? What should I do next?

That is what I am focusing on. I am always of the mind that if I don't like my circumstances, what is something I can do about it. Whether that is a now something or a prep for a future something, I am a woman of ACTION. I don't like sitting still. Well shit, that's the lesson then isn't it. I need to learn to sit still (figuratively, since covid I can't do as much activity as I once did and that is part of the issue as well). My AutiHD needs outlets and stimulation! lol

Anyway that is my rant for the morning. I want to write more but also tell story more. Learn to tell story better/ in a way that is engaging and supportive to my goals. I also want to write a book but I need to 1 decide which one to start on and 2 get started on the one I want but need someone else's support...idk why do I do this to myself. Just write and figure out the rest later. ugh. OK off I go.

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Repair is required

2026-02-09T22:22:30Z

I am writing a piece to be published as a blog but I there are themes and ideas I am choosing not to get into in that post. That is what I am sharing here.

We need all kinds of relationships for movement work. We need to stop putting “romantic” relationships at the top of this bullshit hierarchy and build a world where all types of relationships are valuable and necessary for liberation. Using romantic or sexual loyalties to pit people against each other is doing the work of the colonizers for them. So is prioritizing one relationship over all others to the detriment of your connection to community. No one person, no matter how close, how loving, can meet all your needs. Nor should they. Putting all of the responsibility of what takes a community to care for you on ONE person is harmful and I would even say abuse (although I doubt anyone would agree with me on that since abuse is so normalized in relationships in this society).

The other extreme, forbidding or excluding people from being able to connect, hook-up, or love each other just because they are working together falls into the binary thinking of the oppressors. Working towards the same goals of collective liberation SHOULD create closeness and connection. And for some that turns sexual or romantic or both. That does not then mean it will be used to horde power or sew division. But that is what I have seen happen over and over again. Either the couple or 'cule create a power dynamic that is toxic and controlling, or the group assumes they will, and bans or shuns them from the group, or strips them of their position or power for being in a relationship. What the actual fuck! How are we to build and sustain movements when we can't even love within our own communities?

I've had so many conversations recently of people telling me of their stories of trauma within the movement and community work. Stories of leaders using their relationships and their power to harm people in punitive and vindictive ways. It is sad and disheartening. FROM OUR OWN PEOPLE! It makes me want to yell at them THEY are the ones causing the trauma and burnout. I want to beg them to stop using corporate (aka white supremacy culture) values to police the ways in which with build relating to each other. Stop recreating systems of oppression in our movement work! Many of these stories remind me of cult leaders. Creating information silos and telling different stories to different groups to create animosity, minions of people doing the harm in your name, and obsessing over how "others will see them" Trying to control the narrative is the fastest way to create the reputation you were so desperately trying to avoid.

On the other extreme are the friendships that blow up because of conflict and one or several people's unwillingness to take accountability or even try to repair the harm. This has ended so many of my own relationships. People I truly thought I would grow old with Golden Girls style. Most were small and honestly minor conflicts that could have been easily resolved but instead were blown up because they wouldn't address the issue, acknowledge the harm, or do the work to repair.

I am again alone with my thoughts. I am stuck yet again isolated and with no where to go. I may leave early if some opportunity comes up. But for now I bide my time and hope that I don't fall into another bought of depression from this isolation. I am continuing to work on building connections and coalitions. Which is made more difficult by the fact that my roommate is also the collaborator who is blocking my ability to do the work. It is hard living with someone who is holding a grudge instead of working through their issues with me (most of them projections from their own trauma). This may lead me to packing up and planning an exist for end of March.

This brings up for me how many amazing projects dissolve due to conflict. I am willing and able to address the issues and build repair, but most of the time they are not. To reconcile this I am working to build a training program with my community about dealing with and getting training around non-carceral conflict resolution. I hope not to burn out in the process. It is hard to be held when your community is spread out across state lines. I am sad that people's trauma is keeping them from collaborating with their fellow comrades. =( For now I write to process and hope that I can make it through these days of isolation intact. Wish me luck!

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hydrateddesertflower @ 2026-01-30T15:15:00

2026-01-30T23:50:19Z

When I write, I write like I speak. When other's read it back they say it so chopped up and confused it sounds horrible. I think this keeps happening because the way I speak is doesn't follow the standards of English language, even though that is my primary language at this point. I am reflecting on so many things right now, this will probably be a ramble and not coherent to allistics. My day has been full of emotional volatility and spilling my pain onto those I love. I never want to harm people but it keeps happening. And when I inevitably find myself abandoned again I wonder what am I doing that pushes people away. Be yourself they say and yet...

I was given a prompt to lean into my Leo, and asked, "if I was to be admired, what would I want to be admired for?" It was a great prompt. Immediately I thought, "for how I helped us on the path to collective liberation." I want my work, my struggle, my sacrifices to have had a positive impact on people's lives. I want to help people. I want to empower people and cheer them on. Encourage and embolden them to take action, step up and be the change. But I am exhausted. I have been doing this work for a long time and we still have a long way to go. Honestly I don't see this work as ever having an end. Even when we win we still need to rebuild. Once we rebuild we still need to remember. How many generations did it take for the Nazi's to come back? The thing is they never left. They were still growing here in the imperial core. And I am feeling so isolated and alone again and again. Over and over I find myself with no community, no friends, no one to literally hold me when I am low. I will either burn out and abandon it, or I will be hurt so many times I will become what I am trying desperately not to become, the bitter elder activist. I have gone to many with a desire to learn, to support them, and to receive some mentorship if they were included. Instead I got vitriol and projection.

I call us the bridgewalkers, those of us helping to build the path from the here today, to the future we are fighting to create. For the longest time I was proud to be a bridgewalker but more and more I am growing weary of the thousand cuts. I hope this is the "darkest before the dawn" moment, but only time will tell. Right now I am crying hourly, touch starved, and angry at everyone who said they cared but left as soon as things got hard. I don't have the privilege to stop. I don't get to bury my head in the sand or take a day off from being a target of the colonizers. But clearly I am doing something wrong. I find myself struggling again, alone again.

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