hydrateddesertflower

I am writing a piece to be published as a blog but I there are themes and ideas I am choosing not to get into in that post. That is what I am sharing here.

We need all kinds of relationships for movement work. We need to stop putting “romantic” relationships at the top of this bullshit hierarchy and build a world where all types of relationships are valuable and necessary for liberation.  Using romantic or sexual loyalties to pit people against each other is doing the work of the colonizers for them.  So is prioritizing one relationship over all others to the detriment of your connection to community.  No one person, no matter how close, how loving, can meet all your needs. Nor should they. Putting all of the responsibility of what takes a community to care for you on ONE person is harmful and I would even say abuse (although I doubt anyone would agree with me on that since abuse is so normalized in relationships in this society).   

The other extreme, forbidding or excluding people from being able to connect, hook-up, or love each other just because they are working together falls into the binary thinking of the oppressors. Working towards the same goals of collective liberation SHOULD create closeness and connection.  And for some that turns sexual or romantic or both. That does not then mean it will be used to horde power or sew division. But that is what I have seen happen over and over again. Either the couple or 'cule create a power dynamic that is toxic and controlling, or the group assumes they will, and bans or shuns them from the group, or strips them of their position or power for being in a relationship. What the actual fuck! How are we to build and sustain movements when we can't even love within our own communities? 

I've had so many conversations recently of people telling me of their stories of trauma within the movement and community work.  Stories of leaders using their relationships and their power to harm people in punitive and vindictive ways. It is sad and disheartening. FROM OUR OWN PEOPLE! It makes me want to yell at them THEY are the ones causing the trauma and burnout. I want to beg them to stop using corporate (aka white supremacy culture) values to police the ways in which with build relating to each other. Stop recreating systems of oppression in our movement work! Many of these stories remind me of cult leaders. Creating information silos and telling different stories to different groups to create animosity, minions of people doing the harm in your name, and obsessing over how "others will see them" Trying to control the narrative is the fastest way to create the reputation you were so desperately trying to avoid. 

On the other extreme are the friendships that blow up because of conflict and one or several people's unwillingness to take accountability or even try to repair the harm.  This has ended so many of my own relationships. People I truly thought I would grow old with Golden Girls style.  Most were small and honestly minor conflicts that could have been easily resolved but instead were blown up because they wouldn't address the issue, acknowledge the harm, or do the work to repair.

I am again alone with my thoughts.  I am stuck yet again isolated and with no where to go.  I may leave early if some opportunity comes up. But for now I bide my time and hope that I don't fall into another bought of depression from this isolation. I am continuing to work on building connections and coalitions.  Which is made more difficult by the fact that my roommate is also the collaborator who is blocking my ability to do the work. It is hard living with someone who is holding a grudge instead of working through their issues with me (most of them projections from their own trauma). This may lead me to packing up and planning an exist for end of March.

This brings up for me how many amazing projects dissolve due to conflict. I am willing and able to address the issues and build repair, but most of the time they are not. To reconcile this I am working to build a training program with my community about dealing with and getting training around non-carceral conflict resolution. I hope not to burn out in the process. It is hard to be held when your community is spread out across state lines.  I am sad that people's trauma is keeping them from collaborating with their fellow comrades. =(  For now I write to process and hope that I can make it through these days of isolation intact. Wish me luck!