Melee by a cat kind of morning

[hydrateddesertflower]

I don't tell people this often because it scares them, but that doesn't make it any less true. I am instant karma. If you ask tarot about me you will most certainly get a tower card. People project their assumptions, pain, and traumas onto me when I am just standing here being me. This makes for a lonely life. I am currently in one such conflict with my collaborator/employer/landlord - why do I keep finding myself in this situation....I know, capitalism - so things are already stressful. 

 

I got to wake up to them banging around at 6am to grab crates for the stray cats we feed outside.  Two of them have infections and we are grabbing them to get treatment. I wanted to grab them without a fight but I was sleepy and not prepared to wrangle them like I would if I had thought about it for five seconds. So now I am covered in cuts from an infected cat and I am REALLY hoping I did a good job cleaning them so I don't get infections. One is on my nipple and it HURTS. I didn't realize I was more badly hurt than I realized but I saw them as I was applying all the bandages I own onto my cuts.  He also peed all over me and across the house but she helped me clean up so that was nice. I showered and then put my clothes in the wash but IDK what I missed because I am still smelling pee...but you know how cat pee is, it could be gone but the smell lingers for a while! So I opened all the windows and I love how a home feels when all the windows are open. I want to live somewhere where I can do this everyday/most days because it is so nice and chilly outside but not so cold that I freezing in my home. 

Which then brings me back to 'what do I want' when it comes to a home. Will I be able to find that there, should I look here? IDK what makes sense anymore.  So what do I DO know what I want?  

• lots of windows (for the airflow I mentioned)
• lots of sun in the mornings to my bedroom and living room
• a way to be privately in nature
• a tub that isn't a standard tub in most homes
• a Garage
• space for a hot tub/ a temporary pool in the summers
• a beautiful view 
• a porch and a deck or balcony
• easy access to food 
• space to host events or community gatherings (therefore kind-of centralized location)
•  

IDK if I will find this or how to find what I want and afford the payments. Honestly, I am just afraid of losing my home again after being homeless so many times in my life. And now with being here with the looming threat of losing it is too much for my nervous system. I don't like being a the mercy of the whims of uncooperative and traumatized people.