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Jan. 30th, 2026 03:15 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
hydrateddesertflowerWhen I write, I write like I speak. When other's read it back they say it so chopped up and confused it sounds horrible. I think this keeps happening because the way I speak is doesn't follow the standards of English language, even though that is my primary language at this point. I am reflecting on so many things right now, this will probably be a ramble and not coherent to allistics. My day has been full of emotional volatility and spilling my pain onto those I love. I never want to harm people but it keeps happening. And when I inevitably find myself abandoned again I wonder what am I doing that pushes people away. Be yourself they say and yet...
I was given a prompt to lean into my Leo, and asked, "if I was to be admired, what would I want to be admired for?" It was a great prompt. Immediately I thought, "for how I helped us on the path to collective liberation." I want my work, my struggle, my sacrifices to have had a positive impact on people's lives. I want to help people. I want to empower people and cheer them on. Encourage and embolden them to take action, step up and be the change. But I am exhausted. I have been doing this work for a long time and we still have a long way to go. Honestly I don't see this work as ever having an end. Even when we win we still need to rebuild. Once we rebuild we still need to remember. How many generations did it take for the Nazi's to come back? The thing is they never left. They were still growing here in the imperial core. And I am feeling so isolated and alone again and again. Over and over I find myself with no community, no friends, no one to literally hold me when I am low. I will either burn out and abandon it, or I will be hurt so many times I will become what I am trying desperately not to become, the bitter elder activist. I have gone to many with a desire to learn, to support them, and to receive some mentorship if they were included. Instead I got vitriol and projection.
I call us the bridgewalkers, those of us helping to build the path from the here today, to the future we are fighting to create. For the longest time I was proud to be a bridgewalker but more and more I am growing weary of the thousand cuts. I hope this is the "darkest before the dawn" moment, but only time will tell. Right now I am crying hourly, touch starved, and angry at everyone who said they cared but left as soon as things got hard. I don't have the privilege to stop. I don't get to bury my head in the sand or take a day off from being a target of the colonizers. But clearly I am doing something wrong. I find myself struggling again, alone again.
I was given a prompt to lean into my Leo, and asked, "if I was to be admired, what would I want to be admired for?" It was a great prompt. Immediately I thought, "for how I helped us on the path to collective liberation." I want my work, my struggle, my sacrifices to have had a positive impact on people's lives. I want to help people. I want to empower people and cheer them on. Encourage and embolden them to take action, step up and be the change. But I am exhausted. I have been doing this work for a long time and we still have a long way to go. Honestly I don't see this work as ever having an end. Even when we win we still need to rebuild. Once we rebuild we still need to remember. How many generations did it take for the Nazi's to come back? The thing is they never left. They were still growing here in the imperial core. And I am feeling so isolated and alone again and again. Over and over I find myself with no community, no friends, no one to literally hold me when I am low. I will either burn out and abandon it, or I will be hurt so many times I will become what I am trying desperately not to become, the bitter elder activist. I have gone to many with a desire to learn, to support them, and to receive some mentorship if they were included. Instead I got vitriol and projection.
I call us the bridgewalkers, those of us helping to build the path from the here today, to the future we are fighting to create. For the longest time I was proud to be a bridgewalker but more and more I am growing weary of the thousand cuts. I hope this is the "darkest before the dawn" moment, but only time will tell. Right now I am crying hourly, touch starved, and angry at everyone who said they cared but left as soon as things got hard. I don't have the privilege to stop. I don't get to bury my head in the sand or take a day off from being a target of the colonizers. But clearly I am doing something wrong. I find myself struggling again, alone again.
